My take on foster care

I had the pleasure of babysitting a tiny little bit tonight. Baby who I will name Adorable is, adorable, and in foster care. As I snuggled Adorable to death I was reminded of all of the emotions that come over you as a foster parent. This is Adorable’s foster parent’s first foster kid. Not only that, but they have a 7 month old bio son themselves. They took in an addicted baby, when they have their own child to raise.

Baby Adorable and I blogging away

We have all seen those blog posts about how hard it is to be a foster parent, and how it’s worth it, and all. This is my take on it...

As a foster and adoptive parent I get comments everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

"God bless you for doing that."

"I’ve always thought about doing that."

"I could never give a kid up."

"When the time is right I am going to foster."

"I wish I could do that."

"You’re such a great person for taking in abused kids."

"There is a special place in heaven for you."

"You must have a heart of gold."

We heard all of the above comments at the beach in one hour.  All in front of my kids which gets old for all of us.

While I always appreciate any encouragement I can get, I hear these same phrases so often that they have become blanket statements for people to say, when they want to express their admiration for someone but don’t know how. I smile, make a joke about how I just drink a lot of coffee and have a bunch of bad ideas and walk away before anyone can bother to ask more questions like, “Are any of them related?” (Please, do not ever ask an adoptive parent this question in front of their children – use your head people.)

My feelings about foster care aren’t about how hard it is to give a kid up, though it can be very difficult. For me, what has been hard is looking the kids in their beautiful eyes and thinking about what has been, and what could be. Those incredibly long nights, when you are awake with your addicted baby who is screaming from withdrawal are hard, really hard. That time when you look in your child’s eyes and you see the resemblance to their bio mom and a moment of fear flashes through your mind of, “What if they turn out like that?” and you can do nothing but pray and hope. Those moments when your child is screaming to go back to the person who hurt them.  

Those foster care classes where they give you the reality of foster care but then try and let you know how rewarding it can be, they can not prepare you for it all. Sometimes it’s not rewarding. Sometimes a child will come into your home and you cannot help them. Your skills and love do not match their needs, and you have to find that child another home. Sometimes, or a lot of times, you lock yourself in a bathroom and cry because you are so overwhelmed by the kid's behavior, or the thought of what happened to them, the thought of losing them or everything. Being a foster parent is overwhelming, and emotionally and physically exhausting. It’s not hard for me to love another person’s child, if you’re a kid in my home, you’re my child and I love you, though many times I may not like you. It’s hard to deal with bad behaviors and it’s hard to accept that people abuse children, but that’s what foster parents do, day in and day out. All while caseworkers, attorneys, and Guardian Ad Litem’s, come in and out of the home, make phone calls about you, and scrutinize if you have taken out your bathroom trash that week or not.

I don’t watch TV because it’s a great way for me to avoid the news and reality of the world around me. I don’t get newspapers, I don’t follow politics, and I don’t really care about much going on around me. But abuse, I’m not in the business of ignoring reality.  I copied this from www.adoptuskids.org

“More than 250,000 children in the U.S. enter the foster care system every year. While more than half of these children will return to their parents, the remainder will stay in the system. Most of these children are living with foster families, but some also live in group facilities. Each year more than 20,000 children age out of the foster care without being adopted. Today there are 104,000 children in foster care waiting to be adopted ranging in age from less than a year old to 21.”

250,000 kids come into foster care each year, and you know where they end up? In the homes of tired people, emotionally exhausted people who just want to sleep through the night, people who have raised more kids than ‘The Duggars’.  Those foster parents are expected to keep their mouths shut and just go with the flow with little to no input of the outcome of these children, and most of them do it walking through society without complaining. Most of them, when approached by strangers giving blanket statements, “I don’t know how you do it, I could never do that,” smile and give some generic answer, just like I do, smile again and move on. But in truth most of those people who say those seemingly nice statements have no clue how much we foster parents give, and love. They have no idea how much time and energy we invest into helping mold the most vulnerable members of society, who will one day grow up and have a choice to make about how they want to treat their children. We work, day and night, to ensure that our kids aren’t treated differently, that they get the special services they need, that they feel loved. We have to think about child abuse all day, not just when it pops up on the news for 3 minutes. It is our kids' constant reality, and now ours. If you get upset when you hear something terrible on the news, truly stop, and think about how foster parents have to take that reality on 24/7 until the child, or children can adjust.

Today, go thank a foster parent. Don’t give out any more blanket, “Oh your such a great person” statement. Go DO something for them. Foster parents are helping to change the entire world of the children in their  homes. That’s a big freaking deal. Take them a meal, send them a gift card, or write them a thank you note. What we do behind closed doors is epic, even if you can’t see it. But to us, it’s all worth it, knowing that even if that kid was with us for just a few days, we helped make their life a little better.

I love being a foster parent. I know foster parenting is not for everyone, but if you have honestly been considering it, here is a video that Willy and I are in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwIA8y-YjY8

Our resident black guy with a mohawk

 In early January 2012 Willy Jr walked through our front door with possibly the worst caseworker that has ever walked the face of the earth. How he ended up in our home was quite a journey for him, us, and his foster parents.

Willy Jr was admitted to the hospital in March 2011. After a hospital stay he went into foster care. He was living in a home where he had to attend daycare full time. After a serious brain injury and several broken bones the judge ordered that he be moved into a foster home that had a stay at home mom, so he would not have to attend school until he was fully recovered. The attorney on the case knew just who to call.

Step in Gina and Kevin, Willy's foster parents for 9 months. Without them by his side I shutter to think of what would have happened to my boy. Willy was assigned a new worker shortly after he came into care. She never did see him while he was in the hospital, maybe that was part of the problem, she never knew the severity of his injuries.

As a foster parent our job description according to the state is to help reunify families while taking care of the child. In reality good foster parents love those children no matter how they behave, and detest people who hurt their babies. Of course I believe in rehabilitation, success stories, not stealing kids from good parents and all that other crap. The truth is, after a few cases as a foster parent you care about surviving the kid and whatever else the workers, attorneys, judges and guardian ad lidems throw at you. It's sadly some of the best foster parents who don't last long because they care so much. (On a side note, Willy Sr is doing some extensive research in foster parent retention)

Anyways, back to the actual story, what happened to Willy Jr was terrible. The judge on the bench described it as "The worse case of physical abuse I have seen in my 23 years". It's not exactly one of those cases where you really want to help with reunification. None the less this worker that he had was really pushing for reunification. Without turning this into a bashing caseworker section, instead of a post about my awesome son, I will highlight some things I can not stand about this woman. She told me she felt like he should live with a colored family. Umm, colored?  Also, you don't like me adopting him because I'm white? How many other people you got lining up to adopt him, bitch woman? She filed medical neglect claims against his foster parents because he had ring worm. You know, because heaven forbid a child get ring worm. She has never answered her phone ever, or returned a phone call, ever. 

OK, ok, o.k. We met Willy Jr during a birthday party. We had known Gina and Kevin from our foster care classes and spoke periodically about the trials of being a foster parent. Gina told me when she got the call for Willy, the girls and I prayed for them when he came. I fell in love with Willy the second I heard of him but Willy Sr really fell in love with him when we went to Gina's for another party (we like to party). Willy Jr walked up to Sr, held his hand and called him dad. heart, melt. They played ball and talked about spider man all night. After we left he told Gina that his daddy came to visit him. How could we NOT buy him?! I mean, seriously.

This is his real hair, not a wig

It was several months of hell trying to get Willy Jr properly terminated on. We were in the middle of a move from Houston, TX to Tallahassee, FL so everyone knew it would take a while to get Willy moved to us and the judge made it clear that he WOULD be moving to us. To get Willy properly terminated on ended up being quite an ordeal. His alleged father lived in another state and was incarcerated. To serve him with papers required several state employees, across several different states, to communicate. By the time someone went to the prison to serve him, he had been released to a half-way house. So, the process had to start all over again. But, guess what?!?!?! yeah, by the time they were going to serve him at the half way house, yup, he had moved into a home for house arrest. Third times the charm he was served. This process took close to 5 months. Then, oh, hey, guess what, he has some great aunt who may be willing to raise Willy Jr. So, then it's onto contacting great aunt, background checks, home studies. Nope, she can't take him. After several relatives later (this is very common in foster care - parents keep naming relatives who can take the kids) they finally decided that no one could take him. His bio mom went MIA after testing positive several times for drugs. 

After Willy's TPR (termination of parental rights) it took 3.5 months to move him from Gina's to us. By this point we lived in FL and to cross a foster child over state lines requires an ICPC. This paperwork is NUTS. Our homestudy had to be sent from our caseworker to the ICPC office in Tallahassee, they sent it to the ICPC office in Austin TX, they sent it to his worker in Houston, TX, the worker approved it, she sent it back to Austin, who sent it to Tallahassee, who sent it to our caseworker, who emailed his worker in TX to let her know she received the approval. True story.

It took Willy Jr several weeks to not cry every night for his momma Gina and daddy Kevin. Even though he was very excited to move in with us, it was still hard on him to leave the family who helped him heal from the most traumatic event in his life. Without them, he wouldn't be as well adjusted and happy as he is. 2 years later all the kids now call them momma Gina and daddy Kevin. Their children are still his brother and sister. He still talks about his best memories there. His middle name is their last name.

Willy Jr has never once asked about his past. If you ask him, he says "it's in the past". The picture we have of his bio mom, he says all he knows is that she knew the guy who hurt him and he doesn't want to look at her picture ever again. That's it. For having been almost 4 years old when all of that happened, he is amazingly unfazed. He spent time in play therapy and was released from it when the therapist said "I don't know why he's ok, but he really truly is". Willy Jr is quiet, reserved, sneaky, has the worst smelling feet, and the most snuggly personality ever. I love him and trust me, when I say that should I ever come across the man who hurt him..... it would not be good for him.

He made this necklace for his brother and sister at momma Gina's house

Every night at 8pm he says "I'm ready for bed, then gets in bed and falls asleep before I'm done saying good  night. This, hands down makes him the coolest kid ever on the face of the planet.

Willy Jr's adoption 2013!

Four years ago

Four years ago Willy and I accepted our first foster placement. After saying no to several calls we finally said yes. When placement called they were able to tell me that it was a sibling group, two girls ages 1 & 3 and were white (hint – they aren’t). That’s it. The lady on the phone literally did not know anything else about them.

We got that call around 3pm and the placement worker told me the caseworker would call me to tell me when she was coming. At 8pm I still had not heard anything. I didn’t know the workers name, number or which office she worked in. I started calling after hours numbers and finally had someone tell me they would have her call me. At 10:30 Lisa and Tilly arrived. We met them outside in the parking lot of our apartment complex. Tilly was 20 months old and Lisa was 3.5 years old. We ordered a pizza not knowing when the last time they had been fed. This set up a tradition for us that every time we get a foster placement we order pizza! They were so happy to see that we had a Christmas tree up and a dog who loved to lick them. After the worker told very little information and had us sign a few forms we were officially guardians of two beautiful girls. The worker told us that she was no longer going to be the point of contact and the girls would be assigned a new worker in 24 hours. That ended up taking 3 months, but, that’s another story. 

Lisa eating our first meal, pizza, together

Tilly eating our first meal, pizza, together

In the interest of privacy I am not going to speak about the kids past. It’s not my story to tell. But I will talk about their time with us.

Willy and I were not prepared for the behaviors that came with the girls. It was stressful and alienating (this is a huge reason Willy and I have a support group for other foster homes). We didn’t know any other foster parents close by. The other out of state foster homes that we did know, only dealt with babies. The best way I could describe the girls is like feral dogs. Lisa was almost non-verbal. Tilly had serious issues with food. It was obvious the girls had not had much structure.  We basically had to shut down our entire world. I was not prepared for that. I was not prepared to have to get in their face and yell, just to have them acknowledge me. It took probably 3 weeks before we had any type of break through with them. I remember the first time I saw them play together. I cried. For four weeks they had totally ignored each other, survival of the fittest.  But one day, they held hands and jumped up and down and sang a Barney song. It was beautiful, but also so devastating to realize that this may have been the first time in their lives that they felt secure enough to play. We were thankfully able to get them into a specialist play therapist. She dealt with some of their specific issues that not all play therapists could handle in such detail. I noticed such a dramatic difference in their behavior and acceptance after they started in therapy. 

I am very happy to say that despite our very rough beginning both Lisa and Tilly are very well adjusted and happy. They both know they are adopted and are understanding of their past situation. Lisa is very deep, things weigh heavily on her soul. She is upset that she is losing some of her memories of her biological family. She recently told me she cannot remember their faces and that was really upsetting to her. We spent time talking about it, praying about it, and praying for healing for everyone. Tilly at this time doesn’t think about it much. She is happy and content to listen to her sister and I talk about everything. She finds healing from her past by helping her sister when she gets upset.

I am very thankful we have been able to survive our girls. And I am so thankful that we said yes to a sibling group. Allowing them to come into a home with something familiar, family, was so very therapeutic for them and watching them grow together is amazing. Their bond is stronger than other kids we know. Knowing they needed each other to survive keeps them close.